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The Burger Kings

slip me the slider.

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The Constitution

Laws of
the Land

I

The Bar Sandwich

Every outing is a bar sandwich: start at one bar, eat a burger at a different location, debrief at another bar. This is not negotiable. This is sacred.

II

One Burger. No Exceptions.

The group orders one burger. The same burger. Every King, same plate. The selection is deliberated at the first bar — debate hard, but once the sceptre is raised, it's done.

III

Silence of the Patty

While eating, the burger does not exist. You may discuss sports, philosophy, why your knees hurt now — whatever. The burger is off-limits until every rating form is in and you're planted at the second bar.

IV

The Rating

Each burger is scored across nine factors, 1 to 5. There are no 3s in this kingdom. You wear a crown. Act like it.

V

The Reckoning

Forms in. Second bar reached. Now you talk. Now it matters.

The Rating System

The Official
Ballot

01
The Bun
Structural integrity, toasting, ratio. The throne upon which everything sits.
02
The Patty
The king of the kingdom. Seasoning, cook, quality. No excuses here.
03
The Supporting Cast
Cheese, sauce, toppings. Do they elevate or distract?
04
The Fries
A burger without worthy fries is a king without a court.
05
The Architecture
Balance and proportion. Does it hold together structurally and flavor-wise from first bite to last?
06
The Stack
The moment it lands on the table. You eat with your eyes first.
07
The Drip
Juiciness. Messiness as a feature. Does it earn its napkins?
08
The Mouth Feel
Texture, density, chew. How does it feel to eat this thing?
09
The Crown
Did this burger earn it? 1 = hell no. 2 = no. 4 = yes. 5 = hell yes.
The Scale: 1 to 5. No 3s. You wear a crown — act like it.
The Kingdom

The Burger
Docket

Every burger in the kingdom — past, present, and incoming. A burger averaging 4.0 or above earns The Crown. 👑

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The Crown Standard
Average 4.0 or above across all categories and The Crown is yours. No campaigns. No lobbying. The math decides.
On Deck
Lil' Bo
Upcoming
Mode's Bum Steer
Upcoming
Brady's
Upcoming
The Burrow
Upcoming
West End Tavern
Upcoming
7 Monks
Upcoming
Slabtown
Upcoming
Poppycocks
Upcoming
U&I
Upcoming
Northpeak
Upcoming
The Chef's In
Upcoming
Glendale
Upcoming
North Bar
Upcoming
TCCC
Upcoming
Harington's
Upcoming
The Pub
Upcoming
Sleder's
Upcoming
Oakwood
Upcoming
J&S Hamburg
Upcoming
Bubba's
Upcoming
Towne Plaza
Upcoming
The Court

The Round-
table

Roles are held for one year. Every April 28th — the founding day of the kingdom — the court is dissolved and reformed by draft. No seat is permanent. No King is safe.

Founded April 28, 2026.

The Commissioner
Runs the kingdom. Settles all disputes. Calls the burger at bar one. Final word, no appeals.
⚖️
The Scheduler
Owns the calendar. Sends invites. Manages cadence. Keeps the kingdom moving.
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The Maître D'
Handles all reservations — both bars and the burger spot. Nobody waits in this kingdom.
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The Scorekeeper
Collects rating forms, tallies scores, and maintains the all-time leaderboard. The keeper of truth.
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The Historian & Webmaster
Documents every outing — photos, ratings recap, notable quotes. Keeps the kingdom's website current. The kingdom's memory, online and off.
📜
The Treasurer
Tracks the money, splits, and any club traditions that require a royal budget.
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