A Chef's In burger. A Burritt's throne room.
The kingdom's first lunch outing. Daylight changes the rules, so the Maître D' swapped the bread. The top bun was coffee and the bottom bun was tacos and tequila. Same sandwich, new bakery.
Eight Kings, eight core categories. Five Kings scored it 4.0 or better. Two did not, and the math does not negotiate. The Crown Standard is 4.0, and The Chef's In finished an eighth of a point shy.
Days before the outing, The Enforcer went on the group thread with a prediction:
He was wrong, but not by much. The Historian put it in baseball terms: the burger didn't clear the fence, but it was a solid ground-rule double. The Enforcer's own ballot didn't help his case either. He gave The Stack a 2.
The Chef's In is a deli and café that is built for grab-and-go. Eight Kings and a visiting prince were never going to fit. So the court walked next door to Burritt's, where Sean, the Wine Shop Manager, and Jake, the Owner, set up a private table in the wine room. Sean looked after the court all afternoon. Jake came over to welcome the Kings and talk for a while. Both are well loved in Traverse City, and after this lunch it's easy to see why.
So this was a Chef's In burger eaten in a Burritt's dining room.
The Commissioner called the private table the "cherry on top." A grateful kingdom tips its crown to Sean, Jake, and Burritt's.
Ambiance / Vibe is only on its third restaurant, and it already has a jurisdiction problem. Some Kings rated The Chef's In, which is a busy café that's mostly for takeout. Others rated the Burritt's wine room, which was excellent. The ballots show the split: six Kings gave 4s and 5s, and two gave a 1 and a 2. The result is a 4.00 with an asterisk.
The Commissioner will need to rule on whether Ambiance applies to where the burger is made or where it is eaten. As always, Ambiance does not count toward The Crown.
Under the Law of the Table, the burger arrives as it arrives. This one came with mayo, and every King agreed it was the right call. The kingdom now has several mayo converts.
The court hosted a guest from Reno, Nevada: the father of The Treasurer, also known as Tito. He wore the crown for the whole lunch and handled it well.
Scheduling one lunch for nine Kings took more back-and-forth than most peace treaties. The time moved. The place moved. The group thread filled up with opinions, and almost none of them were about the burger.
Some Kings went after the Maître D' for it. He waited for them to finish and then explained the real problem: this group has "a lot of type As." That means nine Kings, nine calendars, and nine men who each quietly believe they are the Commissioner.
Then there are the W2 Kings, who answer to a higher power: HR. Someone else's calendar sets their lunch hour. For them, a weekday burger takes careful planning and a meeting invite with a vague title.
| Tax Form | Lunch Burger Access |
|---|---|
| 1099 Kings | Whenever the docket calls. Lunch can last until dinner. |
| W2 Kings | 60 minutes, minus the walk, the wait, and the guilt. |
| The DMV | Overrules everyone. One King left early to renew his driver's license. The DMV waits for no King. |
The Chief Legal Officer of Dubious Affairs arrived already in a mood and kept it the whole time. He filed one formal objection, and it was about geometry:
The court took the objection under advisement. Pi was consulted and declined to comment. No King could remember anyone ever losing a burger to its shape before.
He was grumpy enough that the court opened an informal inquiry into his previous 24 hours. No findings were released. The court did reach one conclusion: the Chief Legal Officer gets grumpier as the week goes on. Any burger reviewed on a Friday is entering a hostile courtroom.
The court has two proposed remedies. Schedule every burger on a Monday, or try therapy. The Scheduler has not responded about Mondays, so the court modeled the second option.
He also raised a procedural objection to eating ground beef before 2 p.m. with no time for a nap afterward. Not everything was lost. He did his grocery shopping mid-outing and went home with an antipasto platter for date night, making him the only King to leave with a second meal and a better evening plan.
The Treasurer did not like it. He found the patty thin and dry. He thought the bun was thin and smashed, though he liked that it was toasted. He felt the tomato pile was too tall, and he wanted fries and got chips. He ranked it well below the kingdom's other spots. He still thinks it's a good place, just not a burger destination.
He and the Chief Legal Officer both averaged 2.50. Together, they kept The Chef's In from getting the crown.
Each King's average across the core eight. Three Kings tied at the top.
"I frequent Chefs Inn and have never ordered the burger… after today this will be my only order."
"No 15 year old here cutting random slices of onion and pickle, perfect mandolin thinness… but don't let that burger sit."
"The bun really has me torn. I like the flavor… But it just doesn't hold up."
"Perfectly cooked burger… balanced toppings and condiments that kept the burger and bun as the heroes. It deserves a crown!"
"Everything was great except for the patty that was well done."
"My love for this burger has been rekindled. Mouthfeel off the charts."
